Friday, June 19, 2009

How To Be A REAL Tough Guy!

Used to be that when someone wanted to be a Tough Guy they had to actually have some muscles and know, to chase someone down and stomp a mud hole into them.

Now, thanks to technology! YOU TOO can be a Tough Guy! That's right! All 5' 2" 365 pounds of you can be a Tough Guy! Here's how to do it, in 3 easy steps (and the first two are no-tech)...

  1. Get yourself a blue blazer from somewhere...preferably with some sort of crest or emblem on the front. Doesn't matter what the crest says, as no one actually looks at it.
  2. Get yourself a pair of black or mirrored sunglasses- any kind where when you have them on, others can't see where you are looking.
  3. Now the tech part- go to Radio Shack (or order via some web site) one of those earplug thingies that has the coiled cord. VERY IMPORTANT- it MUST have the coiled cord, not a straight cord, otherwise the Tough Guy illusion will be competely BUSTED. The coiled-cord earpiece is the CRUCIAL component of the modern Tough Guy persona. This earpiece is what makes YOU an official TOUGH GUY!
Now that you are officially a Tough Guy, you are ready to find yourself an exciting and rewarding career in security enforcement, doing Important things like: chasing away skateboard punks, preventing IT geeks from trying to sneak handtrucks through the lobby, and apprehending old people who attempt to enter the elevator without showing their visitor passes. And most important of all- you get to eyeball all the purty people from behind your dark shades, without them being wise to you.

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