Friday, June 26, 2009
You may be a Taliban if:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
(Don't know who to credit for this one...got it in an email chain)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
NC Teens get cash to not get pregnant...
"A dollar a day keeps the babies away.
That's the incentive behind College Bound Sisters, a program at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro that aims to keep 12- to 18-year-old girls in school and baby-free.
Girls in the program attend 90-minute meetings every week at which they receive lessons in abstinence and the use of contraceptives — and they receive $7 every week they do not get pregnant. The money is deposited into a fund that's collectible when they enroll in college."
DAMN. Somebody owes me $2,190. I never got pregnant between 12 and 18, and I stayed in school.
The only problem is that if these girls stay in school and learn some economics, they'll have to weigh the choice of getting $365/year to not get pregnant versus the $90/month or so average child benefit from welfare... and as someone in the article points out- should we pay for every bad behavior someone doesn't engage in? Like pay kids not to smoke pot, get drunk, or steal?
Bribery is so much easier than actually raising kids properly with morals and values...I don't get it. So "they" hate us (USA that is). They are "resisting" our "occupation". So they murder more of their fellow countrymen in a week than the US Military has killed in a year. In Iraq. In Afghanistan. In Pakistan. In India. In the Phillipines. In Sudan. In Somalia. Etc. Etc. Oh, waitaminit...US troops aren't in the last 5 places I mentioned.
Of course, if they want US troops out, wouldn't it be "smart" to lay low and not attack anyone for a while, so that the world can see there is "peace", and then US troops will pull out, announcing "mission accomplished...uh...again...". Then, with US troops gone, they can go to town- and blow it up.
8 NYC Children Burned in Acid Attack
"Tension" among neighbors... fools who have to get up in the morning for silly nonsense like school and work don't like "noise" after midnight? Obviously, them joooos must be racialists for not being sensitive to other "cultures" and "cultural behavior". Let's throw acid bombs at the jooo kids...that'll help them learn real quick how to respect other "cultures".
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
When I was a kid, my parents taught me things like giving up a seat for a woman or older person (or someone who seems to need to sit more than I do), holding doors for people, pushing the revolving door...stuff that used to be considered the "polite" and "correct" way to behave.
Now of course people don't expect anyone to hold doors for them or do these kinds of decent things, so when I attempt to do so, usually I don't have time before the person runs through another door or shove the door themselves. And of course nowadays, if you offer a seat on a bus or train to a woman she'll pull out the Mace- acting like the only reason you're speaking to her is because you want to rape her.
So what happened??? How did it get this way? It's called "Feminism". Women (or must I now spell it "womyn"?) demanded to be treated as "equals" to men. They demanded to have "careers" like men. They think of the role of staying home and raising children with proper senses of morals and values is best left in the hands of some third world maid who barely speaks English, and may very well have children who are in prison.
So I say- fine. You wanna look like a man by putting on the ugly "power suit", cutting your hair short, firing up a cigar, stalking the boardroom yelling at subordinates, and building buns of steel on the stairclimber (oh wait, I don't think too many men do that last one)- go ahead and do it. It's your right. And your obnoxious cell-phone-yakking power ass can stand for the 2 hour train ride home, bitch.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Bad enough to get mugged in the first place... but to then accidentally kill someone who's trying to help you...and now the mugging victim goes to prison...probably will get killed there...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Used to be that when someone wanted to be a Tough Guy they had to actually have some muscles and skill...you know, to chase someone down and stomp a mud hole into them.
Now, thanks to technology! YOU TOO can be a Tough Guy! That's right! All 5' 2" 365 pounds of you can be a Tough Guy! Here's how to do it, in 3 easy steps (and the first two are no-tech)...
- Get yourself a blue blazer from somewhere...preferably with some sort of crest or emblem on the front. Doesn't matter what the crest says, as no one actually looks at it.
- Get yourself a pair of black or mirrored sunglasses- any kind where when you have them on, others can't see where you are looking.
- Now the tech part- go to Radio Shack (or order via some web site) one of those earplug thingies that has the coiled cord. VERY IMPORTANT- it MUST have the coiled cord, not a straight cord, otherwise the Tough Guy illusion will be competely BUSTED. The coiled-cord earpiece is the CRUCIAL component of the modern Tough Guy persona. This earpiece is what makes YOU an official TOUGH GUY!
Get off the train in Grand Central... mmm...smell that musty train funk (don't get caught in a Metro North car with a bathroom- you'll be smelling something a lot more than musty).
Walk into a subway station... mmm...smell that faint (and sometimes not-so-faint) vomity/uriny aroma...plus some other kind of subway train funk.
Walk in the streets-- smell that:
- Diesel oil/exhaust
- rotting garbage vomity aroma
- mystery street steam funk
- all of the above if you get too close to a bum, plus a few other stenches
Thursday, June 18, 2009
"Just wanted to take a pause from politics and policy and world affairs to let you all know that 5-year-old Hannah Garman has died. Hannah was diagnosed with a rare, incurable brain tumor in October 2008. Hannah’s mother died of cancer three years ago."
Now I'm all verklempt... talk amongst yourselves...
It starts with a bang...well, for dad at least. Who knows how it is for the mom. She usually doesn't even know it's happened till she starts vomiting! What a joyous and pleasant way of announcing the creation of a new life!
So then follows nine months of nausea, vomiting, constipation, crunched-up guts, back-aches, leg pains, and all the other assorted joys that are pregnancy. And pops- enjoy many months of Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters!
And along comes the day of deliverance- pain, discomfort, embarrassment, screams, tears, cursing, blood, poop. Welcome in that new life with screaming and cursing!
Once it has arrived, then come the years of bad sleep- first, baby wakes up every few hours wanting to gnaw your sore nipples some more. And then spit up. And poop. And cry. Lather, rinse repeat. And then all the years of you sleeping roughly because you are worrying about your family. Their health. Their upbringing. Your job. Your income. Now that you have "responsibility". Joy!
Life as a kid- all joy and fun and games right? Poop filled diapers. Runny noses. Barfing. Disgusting food being forced on them ("You'll eat that broccoli- it's good for you!"). Bed time forced on them ("But Ma, my favorite show is on!"). School and all the joyous times it brings- like waking up early. Homework. Bullies. Taunting, teasing, and officially sanctioned sadism called dodge ball. Dumb-ass psycho teachers who insist that 2+2=5 because that's what is printed in the "Teacher's Edition".
Tween years- ("No you can't do that- you're not old enough!"). Oh, then we get to move on to the pinnacle of joyous youth years- the teen years. Hormones. Acne. Gangly. Spasdic. 24/7 horny...("None for you, fat/geek/dork boy!"). More teasing and taunting, getting swirlied, and jumped by the "cool" guys.
Now what? College, or some sort of job? More joy. Either way, work. Several more years of "school"? With Professors who swagger into the classroom the first day to brag about how they are "Seen-Yor Pro-Fess-Ors" who cannot be fired. You know that class is going to be several months of joyous bliss.
If you've gone the college route, you graduate, most likely with thousands of dollars in DEBT. And the first job you're finally offered will pay the joyous sum of $18K/year! Of course you made more than that as assistant manager at Micky Dees. While still in high school. Maybe you should have stayed there to become a full manager...
So now that you've gotten a job (or maybe not- maybe you're now living back home with the folks cause you're broke, jobless, and in debt. What joy that is!)- get your ass out of bed at 4:45 AM, begin the 1.5 hour commute with other joy filled happy souls, who may drop banana peels in your path while you are doing the half-conscious zombie shuffle off the train. Get to the office, fulfill your joy filled day with your joy filled boss (most likely, somewhere up the line bossman is a millionaire whose boring pointless no-hobby-other-than-golf-with-other-boring-dumbos life leads him to still get up at 4:45AM to commute to work every day too. What an idjit. Of course you can think of a thousand things you'd be doing other than work if you were a millionaire).
What's next? Oh yeah- you do the "right" thing. You get married to that neato person you've been dating, although s/he has some little quirks that irk you. Oh well you think- once we're married they'll be no big deal! I'll get him/her to change! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH...oh, sorry, I digress. Get used to piss on the seat. Get used to used tampons/napkins in the bathroom garbage can. Get used to slimy hair clogging the shower drain, that you have to dig out with your fingers. Get used to little/no enjoyable sex. You're both either too tired, or he's a selfish asshole who grunts, rolls over, farts, and falls asleep, or she's one of those mean bitches that just won't take 2 minutes out of her precious week to "help out" with your "needs" ("Oh I don't do that! It's gross!").
Which of course leads to... the beginning of this article. The cycle starts over. And what becomes of you? You get old. You get decrepit. All those fun things you planned on doing when you were young and couldn't do because you had neither time nor money? Well, you can't do most of them now, cause you're too old and decrepit. Maybe you have some money stashed up to do some things...most likely, not. So one day, you just drop dead. And you've accomplished up to this point? Absolutely nothing. Except perpetuating our pointless existence.
It's bad enough watching rich white people throw their newspapers and coffee cups on the floor of the train every day, but today I saw a black man drop not one, but TWO banana peels over the edge of his seat. Not just messy- but dangerous. I guess being a selfish lazy asshole is an equal opportunity employer.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
"Oblivious Idiot"- someone who has no clue there are about 6,000,000,000 other people in the world. This is the moron who stands in a doorway, stops at the top of the escalator, answers their cellphone while standing at the register, turns without signals, leaves their shopping cart blocking the aisle, ah, you get the idea. In other words, perfect candidates for the Soilent Green factory.
Don't know who coined it- I got it from Mike Straka on Foxnews.com.
Monday, June 15, 2009
*** Update 2***: I previously used the search term "fuck". Re-running the searches with the search term "fuck*" which includes all variants (i.e. fucking, fucker, fucked) dramatically increases the results for only 2 of the below sites: Dailykos goes from 18,900 to 71,900, and LGF goes from 3,250 to 28,400.
I just spent about 5 minutes doing a completely UNscientific "poll" via Google hits...
I searched various "left/liberal" and "right wing" web sites for the word "fuck" (via Google). The results are interesting enough to warrant further research if someone has that much time and energy to waste. Alas, I don't, sorry.
Lefty Site: Approx. # of hits
dailykos 18,900 using "fuck*": 71,900
Righty Site: Approx. # of hits
littlegreenfootballs 3,250 using "fuck*": 28,400
atlasshrugs 288 <-- see comments (I found 0 with site:atlasshrugs.com).
This of course did not take into account anything, like number of postings at each site, whether or not a site moderates or filters (atlasshrugs does not filter comments as far as I can tell). It is interesting to note that most of the "f" bombs appearing on righty sites, especially LGF, are posted within HATE MAIL the operator of the site has received, whereas on the lefty sites, the use of "f" bombs seems to be mixed between actual postings as well as in visitor comments. If anyone wants to do more research into this fascinating topic, be my guest (and send me the results to post- to your credit of course). It's also interesting to see pictures and videos from various types of public events and see the difference in decency...so many lefty/liberal events have the "f" bomb and others openly displayed on signs and T-shirts (of course, in some cases, along with outright nudity and "bizarreness" like inflated scrotums). Haven't seen that one yet at any righty event. Probably never will. www.zombietime.com <-- Many pics of lefty/liberal events in California.
(I'll eventually figure out column alignment stuff)
First, the old joke:
Bum: "Say mac- can you spare 50 cents so I can buy lunch?"
Mac: "If you know where to buy lunch for 50 cents, I'm going with you!"
We're taught growing up that being kind to the "lesser fortunate" is The Right Thing To Do. We should have empathy for and help others "in need". Ok. Fine. My neighbors house burns down and they can stay with me while they are temporarily "homeless". My friend loses his job, I'll help him out with what I can. And regarding others in similar situations, even strangers- again, I gladly offer not just money but physical support as well to those who are in a bad spot through no real fault of their own...be it that they lost their job, their house burned down, or it just didn't rain enough.
But as for the PROFESSIONAL BUM on the street who spends his entire day bothering passers-by for handouts, I say "Do something constructive with yourself- go volunteer at the Soilent Green factory". Alas, if only we did have Soilent Green factories...
Pulling the door open at Starbucks is not a "job". Sitting on your ass all day reading newspapers, drinking coffee, and smoking is not a job either- even if you took all of 5 minutes to make up a cardboard sign with some phony tale about how you were traveling to California and your car broke down...blah blah (and somehow you're in New York- so where the hell exactly did your "trip to California" begin?).
So why do so many people actually drop money into the phony bum's container? My theory is that a lot of folks do it out of a sense of guilt- they think dropping some coins in some bums cup will somehow atone for "something" they've done wrong, or they have a false sense of guilt which has been beat into them that because they are "successful" they are guilty of something and must "pay back".
Well- I ain't guilty of jack. So you want some money? Get a damn job, like I did. And don't give me this "there aren't any jobs" crap- if 25,000,000 "South of the Borderans" can sneak in and get work- SO CAN YOU, YOU LAZY BUM.
SO your team has now won the championship! What to do..what to do? How do you properly celebrate such a world-improving achievement?!?
Why, smash, burn, and loot of course! Of Course! Duhhh!
"At Least 25 Lakers Fans Arrested After Near-Riot"
Lakers fans "celebrate" near a burning news stand in Hell.A.
Friday, June 12, 2009
The only way to get IMMEDIATE change would be if the Phat Money executives of the transportation company had to ride their own service. You'd see stuff change OVERNIGHT.
And this same idea should go to other types of executives as well- like bosses at the DMV, the phone company, the cable company, etc. Make THEM wait in line (or on the phone) to deal with THEIR OWN EMPLOYEES.
Again, you'd see stuff change OVERNIGHT. Suddenly, all of these companies would find money in their budgets to get things done. They'd find ways to discipline, retrain, or outright fire lousy employees, union be damned. Train toilets would stop stinking. Buses would run on-time. And Angels would sing from Heaven.
Wait staff at sit-down restaurants have historically been paid below minimum wage on the (evil) assumption that tips will make up the difference... of course nowadays, far too many people don't even understand this and don't tip people who are still poorly paid, but are providing a service beyond "normal". Like delivery drivers- they are doing your lazy ass a favor, that's why they should be tipped, especially when they are courteous and pleasant to deal with. I know plenty of restaurants that won't deliver to certain areas any more not just for fear the driver will get robbed- but because they know the driver won't get tipped.
But as for these tip jars on counters... if I have to go up to a counter and request something, the "clerk" behind that counter is obviously being paid solely to serve my needs, i.e. get me whatever it is behind that counter that I wish to buy. Putting something in a bag and taking my cash is ALL they do- this is NOT tip worthy, ESPECIALLY when the clerks are:
a) talking on phones
b) talking to each other
c) talking in a foreign language (either on the phone or to each other)
d) ignoring me as best they can, not looking at me, not smiling, not acknowledging me in any way other than taking my money and dropping change on the counter. No, you DON'T deserve a tip for that.
When I walk into your store, you need to acknowledge me (i.e. say "Hello, how can I help you" or "Hello, someone will be right with you"). When I pay you, say "Thank you". After all, without me paying you, you would not be able to afford that new iPhone.
And WHY do we keep patronizing businesses that employ asstards who would rather clown around behind the counter or "text" their friends with iPhones WE customers are paying for?
The theory I'm working on is that barely competent poorly trained lazy managers don't train new employees properly, and then are afraid to confront said employees their lack of skills and abilities. The fear being that the employee will either physically attack the manager, or start hollering "racism! racism!"...or both. It's much easier for the manager to just pass the day hiding in his/her office, and not have to deal with those annoying "customers".
And of course we customers don't do much about it because we know that if we complain:
a) our complaint will be utterly ignored or even laughed at
b) we may get physically assaulted
c) we're just too damn tired and want to move on
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Chopper Rescues Lost Hiker, Then Vanishes
I need $20 million to start an AirCar factory here in the USA-- but since I'm not already rich, I ain't gonna get it...
According to the latest govt. statistics (http://www.bls.gov/), there are 14.5 million unemployed in the USA. So how come 25 million "South of The Borderites" can sneak into the country on Sunday, and be serving coffee or mowing lawns Monday morning? Somethings going on, and it ain't about anyone "stealing" jobs- it's about greedy mo-fo's GIVING AWAY U.S. jobs.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It's bad enough I have to listen to your cheek music, your bi-labial fricatives, your monster grunting... I don't need to smell them too. Flush hard.Flush often. It's "The Right Thing To Do!™"
When you are going through a door that will close by itself, why not check behind you to make sure the door is not going to slam in someone's face?
Also, if you are about to enter somewhere, and you have to pull a door open to do so, check to see if someone wants to come out- then let them, while you hold the door. It's a lot easier if you let them out, than to force them to wait for you to come in, and then you each do some sort of vertical Twister to get around each other, so the other person can then get eat. It's "The Right Thing to Do!™"
The USA is a right-centric country. The overwhelming majority of us are right handed. We drive on the right. The signs on the highway (that old people and airheads ignore) say "Keep right, pass left). Protocol says that even on escalators one should "keep right, pass on left". But of course the same airheads that stay in the left lane on the highway stand on the left side of the escalator. And then mouth witticisms like "if you want to walk, use the stairs" to anyone who says "excuse me"... never mind that escalators are essentially just moving stairs. And the physics of walking up a moving escalator (i.e. faster and easier to get to the top by walking on the moving escalator than walking on stairs). And sometimes, there are no staircases nearby. Why can't you all just be nice? It's "The Right Thing To Do!™"
OK, why is it that even if there is a row of doors (say, 10 of them), if only one door is propped open, 98% of the sheeple will attempt to cram through that one door (in both directions). Which of course leads to a traffic jam and backup...and STILL the sheeple will stand there waiting to get through that one got-damn door, instead of just pulling open another door.
(PS- I stole this image via Google images, from some site called "boardsus.playstation.com/"... sorry, I don't know who to credit for creating it)