Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Daily Pointlessness...

The Secret Landlord Society

So how long after one offers a property for rent, becoming a “landlord”, does it take for the Secret Landlord Society (SLS) to approach and indoctrinate? You’ve never heard of the Secret Landlord Society? Well, DUH! It’s a SECRET society! But you definitely have been under their influence at SOME point in your life (if you have ever rented or even just worked in an office building). And this apparently is an international organization, as complaints about landlord behavior are a world-wide phenomenon.

What exactly does the SLS do? Well, they provide the new landlord with “the book”, or at least “the instructions” on how to be a landlord… you know, how to become a complete asshole in 3 easy steps? 1) Buy building, 2) place “for rent” ad, 3) accept tenant (written lease not necessary, see “Landlord Games and Tricks”, chapter 4 of the SLS manual)…

The Secret Landlord Society and their instructions are the only possible explanation for why seemingly decent, rational individuals seem to become creatures motivated purely be evil, selfish greed, but overcome with an irrational stupidity as well. You and I know that if you don’t spend $150 to fix that leaky pipe, the wall/ceiling will crumble and it will then cost $2,000 to repair. Landlords don’t seem to get this, preferring to fix things with tape, paint, and sometimes drop ceilings (so they can just replace ceiling tiles instead of actually fixing leaks).

The SLS also must be the source for products that only landlords seem to be able to acquire, like “John Wayne” Toilet Paper- you know the stuff- 120 grit sandpaper, it’s rough, tough, and don’t take no shit. Paper towels that rip while still in the dispenser, and you have to use a wad of them to dry your hands anyway. Paint that doesn’t even stick to itself. Nails or screws that apparently come curved from the manufacturer, so they don’t go all the way in, and nail heads stick out from floors, walls, and ceilings… etc. etc.

And of course the SLS manual teaches the new landlord how to respond to complaints with choice one-liners like: “I love the house I’m renting to you more than the one I live in”, “But I’m subsidizing your rent already- I lose money every month”, and “Why do you want a written lease? I trust you!”…

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