Express Lines Never Are.... (and why "self-checkout" usually SUCKS)
Did you ever notice that so-called express lines at stores usually aren't anywhere near "express"? They're often the slowest lines in the checkout area. Why? Stupidity. Laziness. Incompetence. Selfishness. Take your pick- one or more of the above. The "cash only" line always has some moax that plays the "oh, I thought a check counted as cash" game. The "12 items or less" line always has the biddy with 112 cans of cat food playing the "but it IS only 1 item" game. And of course the pussified clerk always let's the scammers get away with it instead of saying "take your got-damn 112 TV dinners and go to the regular line (cats my ass)".
And of course the check writer always decides after everything has been scanned, rung up, bagged, and placed in a cart that it is now time to start rummaging through the portable junk yard hanging off her shoulder for the check book. And then has to practice that perfect 6th grade penmanship that takes 10 minutes to sign your name. And of course "oh, I forget my check privilege card at home, but I shop here all the time".
And don't get me started on those God forsaken "U-Scam" self checkout disasters. First of all, it's quite obvious someone's brother-in-law got the contract to install these decrepit, pathetic excuses for modern machinery. Said brother-in-law finally figured out how to unload all those old 386 and 486 computers he had stashed in his garage. He builds ticket dispensing machines and self checkout lanes with them. I don't need the frakking thing TALKING to me..in SPANISH! I know what the hell I'm scanning. I don't need it announced to the entire store that I'm buying a tube of Preparation-H for FIVE FORTY NINE. Why the hell does this POS have to talk? So blind people can use it? SO make a braille button they can push to make it talk- have talkin off by default. The time it takes for this clockwork computer to announce "two dollars eighty seven cents" I could have scanned five more items. And when the barcode is unreadable because some worthless employee couldn't be bothered to change the ink in the label printer, or decided to put a sticker over the barcode, or decided to wrap the barcode label around some curved edge so that the barcode is now curved, twisted, or wrinkled- that item should be FREE. Let the store handle it's own fuck ups. Don't make me waste yet another 10 minutes in the "express line" waiting for some screw-up of an employee to come over and "correct" the item.
One more thing- I think one should have to pass a test and get a license before being allowed anywhere near checkout machines. That goes for customers as well as the store employees. When I've got 12 cans of the same item, don't scan the things one at-a-time, scan one can and hit the "X 12" buttons on the keyboard and be done with it, dammit. Especially when you have trouble getting the blind-ass scratched up smeared glass laser to try and scan the code properly.
If I have to waste another 20 minutes behind another geezer and/or foreigner who can't figure out how to use the self-checkout, and who insists on being allowed to buy 4 items on a coupon that clearly states "only 2 per customer", some killin' is gonna start.
